Yesterday night I dove into Proverbs. I felt distracted though. My heart wasn’t in it. I don’t know if I’ll actually go back over what I read or if I’ll just keep on going. I only read 5 chapters. Proverbs, of course, is the book of wisdom. Wisdom is something I really want for myself, you know? I think that I am selfish in that want though. I want to be wise so I can gice good advice and then others will respect me. I want wisdom so that it can benefit my own life. Which is not a healthy motive. I suppose a healthy reason would be the wisdom to get my priorities in order and to help lead a wise, Christ-like example. Oh well. I will post more later.

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

Reading this didn’t stop me from praying about my lack of physical strength or my excessive eating or my socially awkward habits BUT it did make me realize that everyone has their own “thorns” and that we are given weaknesses because God is given glory in our weakness. He wants us to be dependent on Him. If we become too high and mighty, then we head into the Tower of Babel territory, thinking we are mightier than God. Not a place where I’d like to be. I would rather be seen as a dork than estrange myself from God.

“Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (1 Peter 3:4) How inspiring is that? A gentle and quiet spirit. That’s a phrase that’s been echoing in my head a lot recently. I mean a lot, a lot. Anyone who knows me would tell you I’m far from gentle or quiet, but I am not perfect and this is an area of my life to work on. Now, on to what I actually read yesterday. I was in 1 Timothy 2-6. I do like 1 Timothy because Paul mentions a lot of stuff about women in there. I always love it when the females are addressed directly. It makes the verses seem all that much closer and applicable to my life. Now in Paul’s letter to Timothy he lists “proper clothes, self-respect, self-control, doing good deeds, listening quietly, cooperating, faith, love, and holiness” as some key qualities of a true woman after God’s own heart. I want to be that woman! Now, the same paragraphs that hold these qualities also say that “I [Paul] do not allow a woman to teach or have authority over a man…” (12) I don’t necessarily struggle with that morally. But in reality, I find this a difficult verse to live by. Our world is plowing towards equality of the sexes and something like this is seriously opposing what’s going on right now. I don’t think there is anything innately wrong with women leaders. Imagine if Sarah Palin does become our VP. Should I oppose voting for McCain because of this? Hmm. Isn’t it WAYYY more important that her daughter is not getting an abortion? That Palin is fiercely pro-life? And God has certainly called female judges before who have done absolutely awesome jobs of leading God’s people. Perhaps this is a verse that gets more attention than it should really merit. I could spend hours debating this verse (and I have), but that would be pointless. Jesus does say that we are not furthering the kingdom if we waste our efforts arguing with our fellow Christians over little matters such as this. If anyone stumbles on the verse to that effect, could you please post it? Thanks. ELCAs and and WELSs I love you! Let’s reunite? How much stronger would we be if the Lutherans all joined hands? Let’s spend time building the family instead of tearing it apart!!

Enough of that. This Dunkin Donuts coffee is phenomenal. Yummo! In chapter 3 of 1 Timothy, Paul addresses the Deacons. Then he moves on to the Deaconesses. Well, it is debated whether he means the wives of Deacons or of women who are Deaconesses. Either way, it seems to be a good guideline. “In the same way, women must be respected by others. They must not speak evil of others. They must be self-controlled and trustworthy in every way.” (11) Certainly nothing I consistently follow. More stuff to work on. Kill the gossip, belittling others is hurtful and serves no one. Be a woman respected by the community and who has a good reputation because our reputation is a reflection of God. “Shine like the moon, a reflection of you…” (“Shine” by Salvador)

In chapter 4 I came across the youth group staple, “Do not let anyone treat you as if you were unimportant because you are young. Instead, be an example to the believers with your words, your actions, your love, your faith, and your pure life.” (12) This verse applies to a large majority of Christians. Even twenty, thirty, forty-year-olds + can be seen as not having a lot of wisdom and experience, etc…. We respect elders for their wisdom, but we should not immediately dismiss those who are younger. We need diversity to stay on track. Feng shui, a little bit of everything for balance. Different cultures, age groups, worship styles, skin colors, languages, interprations, service, and outreach. Different parts of the body, remember? I concede the notion that this is all cliche. Oh well. I do mean it. I talked about this stuff a little bit with Mrs. Kammrath and it has caused me to spend more time thinking it over. We need little children because they are so forthcoming and so trusting. So energetic and “no holds barred”. There’s a reason God wants to have childlike faith and why He wanted parents to bring their children to be blessed. We need middleschoolers because they are blossoming and growing in every way possible. That age is so exciting and difficult. They need role models and they need to be submerged in the church while they explore new moral questions and peer pressure and growing pressure from school and sports and other responsibilities. Middle school is when you need to start really listening to what these kids are thinking about and taking them seriously. Highschoolers are also important. These are young leaders. These kids are role models for younger kids. They can take initiative to start projects and outreach and service and start integrating themselves into the adult group. They need adults to help guide them as well as to help them accomplish things only an adult has the resources to accomplish. By college, studies have shown that many kids start to really question their faith. They are working on their career choice and relationships and adult responsibility. That’s exactly the time when you should be nurturing your relationship with God, not letting it be washed out by frat parties and bitter, pessimistic professors. Not to mention that highschoolers look up to college aged kids. They watch you to see how involved you stay in the church once you have the choice to do whatever you want. It sets a great example to go to church even when there are no parents around to force you to go. I could go on and on, but you get my point. Young adults, middle-aged people, older adults, and seniors all serve a critical role in the mindset and accomplishments of God’s kingdom. None of them should be seen as more important than another just as an ear is no more important than an eye of hand.

I’ll wrap it up now. This blog is supposed to be a journal, not a novel.

Now I open up the Bible. I have asked God for answers, and now it’s time to hear His word. Nehemiah. I’m like, “Meh. This is going to be that generic OT stuff. Maybe I opened to the wrong part.” But giving up right off the bat seemed foolish so I read a bit. Nehemiah was the perfect person to be watching right now. He seemed like a pretty normal guy. He served wine to the king, no one special. But when the Jews are in trouble he notices the trouble they’re in. He didn’t ignore it, but he didn’t leap right in. He prayed first. And the king let him go, equipped with the letters and equipment he would need. We cannot ignore the plights of other people, especially people in our own church community. But we must look to God for a plan of action. Maybe it is not our place or time. Maybe it IS and God’s blessing will aid the mission immeasurably. Point is, we need to know how God wants the situation handled. I really enjoyed reading the book of Nehemiah and I felt like I found a level-headed friend in him. Our strength and encouragement can come not only from God, but from our fellow Christians doing His will. Nehemiah was Jewish, but the old school Jews arr Christians as far as I’m concerned. Agreed? The most important thing that was revealed to me that night was to pray. Pray about and for everything. Pray all the time. Pray, pray, pray. “Pray without ceasing.” (1 Thes. 5:17) “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.” (Eph. 6:18) “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.” (1 Tim. 2:1-2). Hooyah!

And Happy Ramadan to all of you Muslims out there. I may not believe Muhammed (peace be upon him) was a prophet or that the Qur’an is God’s word, but I do admire your devotion.

Literally, every verse I was reading was just filling me. I could feel it. And I kept praying, “Lord, soften my heart. Fill me up, fill me up with your love. Let it overflow. You are the only one who can let me trust again. Soften my heart. Give me faith. Lord, give me faith.” I am persuaded by His action in my life. Tell me it’s not extraordinary that verses on overcoming fear and God never leaving us are referenced concurrently in Hebrews. Exactly in the chapter I’m reading. It’s just, it’s just absolutely perfect.  So I dig out my verse from Niki, Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.” And I look-up Ilana’s confirmation verse, Zephaniah 3:17, “The LORD your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in His love; he will sing and be joyful about you.” Just amazing. And I find a letter from my great uncle Joe. My godfather. Five pages long. Dated on September 10, 2005. I can’t remember what he is responding to, but the stuff he says runs perfect with the present. He talks about doubting God. He talks about the transition into becoming an “adult-adult”. He says that at some point we will doubt God, and that it is OK to challenge our faith. I also came across a program from Ropes 2006. More gold. A lesson on how to be hero. A lesson on how not to be a hero. And about an hour later I have hardly realized that any time has passed. It’s wonderful.

OK. I am so glad you took the time to not only read my note, but also write me a thoughtful note back. Really, that means a lot to me. I have to say, I am so lucky that my parents are still married. I never take that for granted. But I am feeling everything else you said. About stepping up to run the house. About the acne and about not being the size 0, bleach blond, tan skinned flirt that many girls aspire to be. “I flirt with everything that looks male.” Haha, love that. I never knew you had an ounce of diffidence in you! That’s one of the things I admire about you. You know your own sense of style. You have your own sense of humor. You are a confident woman of God! Look at how much Tori adores you. I mean really, truly she wanted to be next to you whenever she could. I could not tell one bit at all that you were insecure. It cheers me up a little to hear that someone as cool as you sweats a little on the inside though.

I think I know what you’re talking about when you say faking it. Not like pretending you’re happy in a situation that you can change, but maybe being the one to put out encouragement (even when you feel discouraged) for the sake of others. Or even though you feel like the biggest loser in the room, walking out like you’re equal, faking some confidence. Like you said, confidence is all in the mind. I really admire how well you listen and how comfortable you make people feel around you. You never seem to focus on judging others which is so different than [myself] and [some of the girls I hang out with]. I hope you know how much it meant to me when you prayed with me Wednesday night. The Holy Spirit was literally talking through you and I repeat that phrase, “When God is silent, He is listening NOT abandoning”, everyday.

Which kind of brings me to my next point. As I’m sure you can tell, I am struggling with God a bit right now. The strange thing is, I think it is emotional and not intellectual. I think that science does nothing but prove there IS a God and right now, that is what’s keeping me from drowning. I don’t think I have faith right now. And you know in 1 Cor. 12 it lists some of the gifts that the Holy Spirit gives out. One of them is faith. Isn’t that unusual? Don’t we hear in church that all real Christians have faith in God? I think it’s weird. Maybe some of us don’t have that gift. Maybe, like Mother Teresa, some live with doubts, but continue on in the hope of His Word and by continuing to live a life for God. I don’t know. Maybe I’m off base. Jews say that when discussing the Bible there are at least two people and three opinions. Anyways.I open my Bible yesterday to John. I usually skip past the first few NT books, but God led me to John 16. In verse 23 He says, “I tell you the truth, my Father will give you anything you ask for in my name.” Hmm. Can I ask Him for faith? I believe the Bible is true and faith is certainly in Jesus name. Can I pray that God will give me faith and soften my heart? I ask, we shall see what happens.

Yesterday I thought about why I was doubting Him. At Ropes, I knew He was there. I could still feel God in my life. But now I could neither hear Him or feel Him. Which is trying. So I was thinking of just dismissing Christianity as a good set of morals. I was thinking of saying that all my life I had been living a dream — that God was an invisible friend to help people through life. But then a glorious analogy came to me. Think of someone, anyone in an empty white room with you. You spend the whole day talking to them and playing with them. And then they leave the room. Does that mean they never existed or that they are just out of your sight and hearing right now? This gives me hope. Only babies think that something ceases to exist when you can’t see it. Then my mind violently kept echoing the phrase “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God’” and I was like ‘Maybe we have some divine intervention going on here’…

1) Physiological
2) Safety
3) Social
4) Esteem
5) Self-Actualization

I began to think about this after an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – “Stalker” since Grissom always has to pose a deep anthropological question before the credits roll. Anyways, so I started to actually question if I myself had been self-actualized. Anyone who knows me could respond to this question with a resounding NO!  But really — this disappoints me. It seems like no matter how many books I read on personality, character development, or sociology I find myself at a frustrating and exhausting dead-end.

Let’s start with a warning on my end. This is going to progress to rambling proportions quite rapidly so if you are not interested in combing my brain then you should just stop reading here. Now, if you are still here, prepare for the long haul. In fact, grabbing a coke and some popcorn wouldn’t be such a idea. Cozy on up because here it comes.

Who am I? What a useless question. It’s so ambiguous. Essentially, one cannot plausibly answer that question to a satisfactory degree. Talk about frustration. But at least it’s a starting point. I’ll break this down like I would if I were taking notes. Hmm, maybe spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Spiritually – This is the easiest and the hardest question all at the same time. It’s easy because I think it’s straightforward to evaluate one’s relationship with God. But it’s all the hardest because this is the single most important part of me. At least, that’s what I believe. I still believe in God. I can’t even look at a flower without being reaffirmed of a higher power. And I do believe in the God of Abraham. In fact, so do the Jews AND the Muslims. Not to mention the Christians. This seems like pretty overwhelming case for His existence. But Jesus. Hmm. I think I do believe he was the Christ. It does make sense. He fulfilled the prophecies to the tee. I just struggle with a personal relationship with Him. I mean He’s not here in the flesh and blood. It would actually scare the living daylights out of me if He ever showed up in my living room. It’s not the OT I have trouble with, it’s the NT. This sounds strange, and some of you may disagree with me, but I don’t struggle too much with the “rules” we’re supposed to follow. On the whole, I think every law in the Bible is for the good of those who follow it. God does not mean to keep us from having fun, but rather to prevent us from getting hurt and to keep us close to Him without the stupid distractions of the world. But I don’t know. I just am so totally confounded in the spiritual aspect of my life. No amount of discussion will change that right now so don’t bother trying to coax me closer to Him. My plan is to give it time. Persistance is key, yes? All this hardly seems to explain what I’ve really thinking, but I suppose it must suffice for a FB note.

Emotionally – I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I am perfectly content to fill a role if I am assigned one (i.e. house wife, student, emo, whatever…) But then again, I’m not. I like my world in neat, organized lines. In other words, I want everyone to be a stereotype. I see the world in black and white, not gray. And it’s aggravating. I don’t know if I’m an adult or a kid. A leader or a follower. A cold and detached young woman or a passionate and loving young lady. Am I gentle or firm? Soft or hard? I mean the list could go on exponentially, but I need to sleep sometime tonight. This is tying things ridiculously short, but I don’t know what my role is here and what my goals should be. I aspire to be confident perhaps. There are women I seek to emulate in my life. Each of them has a different quality I desire. Nicole Kaiser, Julaine Kammrath, Ruth Hoffmann, and Ann West most prominently. I just don’t know if I want to have kids or not? Become a Navy lifer or go on to rejoin the civvies? Be aggressive or passive? Buy cute, feminine outfits or sophisticated, mature pieces? Do I want to think or feel? Do I want to fall in love or not? Actually, I think I know the answers to some of these questions, but I’m never completely resolute in my final decision. Bahh! I’m done with this because I’m getting angry and frustrated. Yes, frustrated — again/still.

Physically – Well, I know that I am weak. I won’t even post the time for my mile since I’d be laughed off the face of the Earth. Although, I have been practicing and there is something to be said for initiative. But also, there is my appearance, which I touched on before this. I don’t know how I want to present myself. My clothes, my body language, my tone of voice… who do I want to be? They say you should make a “mask” for the world, but I truly don’t know who I am. And then of course there is my weight. Sometimes I want to embrace my curves and blah, blah, blah. But sometimes I really just want to feel insecure. Yes, I want to feel fat sometimes. I want to hate myself some mornings and that may be completely normal. There are just days when I look in the mirror and I make the conscious decision to say “Wow, what a chubby bunny. People think your acne is repulsive. You have ugly stretch marks. You are ridiculously pale. Your hair is frumpy. You are a chocolaty pudgesicle.” Well, whatever. Anyways, I wish I could just feel one way or the other [consistently]. I’m just uncomfortable being self-confident. But maybe that points to the fact that I don’t even know if I want to be attractive in the first place. It has it’s ups and downs. Gosh darn. This is not at all feeling like I have expressed myself. I may in fact feel more angry now than I did before I started typing. So I’ll just shut up. No conclusion or anything. Just. Period.